An old Catholic Priest was dying. He sent a message for his I.R.S.. agent and his lawyer to come to his home.

        When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room. The old priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the Bed. The old priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and then stared at the ceiling..

        For a time no one said anything. Both the I.R.S. agent and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old priest would ask them to be with him during his final moments, but they were puzzled because the old priest had never before given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

        Finally, the lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

        The old priest mustered up his failing strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves -- and that is just how I want to go too."
 

Mark Twain Quote
        "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years".

Abraham Lincoln
        "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt."

Thomas Jefferson
        "I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it".
 

Herman James

        Fifty-one years ago Herman James, a West Virginia Mountain Man, was drafted by the Army.
   

        On his first day in Basic, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
 

        On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
 

        On the third day the Army issued him an athletic supporter. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years now.
 

Pleasing People

        An old man, a boy and a mule were going to town. The boy rode on the mule and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
 

        The old man and the boy thought that maybe the critics were right, so they changed places.
 

        Later, they passed some more people that remarked, "What a shame he makes that little boy walk."
 

        They then decided they both would walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent mule to ride.
 

        So, they both rode the mule.
 

        Now they passed some more people that shamed them by saying how awful to see such a load on a poor mule.
 

        The boy and the man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the mule.
As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
 

        The moral of the story?

        If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your *** good-bye.

Bathtub

        It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from
time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director what the criterion was which defined whether
or not a patient should be institutionalized.

        "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then
we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the
patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

        "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person
would use the bucket because it's bigger than the
spoon or the teacup."

        "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull
the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

God versus the scientist

        God is sitting in heaven when a scientist says to Him, "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

        "Oh, is that so? Tell Me." replies God.

        "Well," says the scientist, "we can take plain dirt and form it into the likeness of you, and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

        "Well, that's very interesting ... show Me, " says God. So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.

        "No, no, no ..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."